This year, start your Easter off on the right foot. Make great ham. Make great eggs. Love. Laugh. Spend time in self-reflection. Congratulate everyone dear to you.
You will? Good.
But also, you might want to try doing something different this time around. Can you imagine how boring it must get for people to receive the same (Dolly the sheep style) type of card year after year?
“Happy Easter to you and your family…” Bla bla bla, blimey, have at me with a blunt saw already!
Sure, it’s the thought that counts – but why don’t you make the thought count just a little bit more by actually amusing your card recipients? Summon enough courage to send out a bunch of honest-to-god cards; cards that will make the reader go “Hey, honey, come check out what XXX has written.” And it’ll be good. It’ll be very good.
They’ll be looking forward to receiving cards from you come holidays, and you will forever be branded as the person who sends out the thoughtful, thought out, handwritten cards.
Send one to the Easter Bunny, too.
Dear Easter Bunny,
Thank you very much for having the strength and fortitude to come all this way bearing presents. I hope you understand that Easter would never be the same without you, no matter what. It is you who children actually look forward to in the morning, not their parents or their brothers and sisters. You spur the imagination. Just think, how many of those children looking forward to your arrival became famous novelists later on? Poets, painters? Sculptors?
I know my little Casey asked for a mountain bike this year, but I’ve read in an interview of yours to what great pains you go to on Easter day to deliver all those presents. I don’t want to add to your pain. A mountain bike is big and clumsy and difficult to carry. I feel Casey would also be happy to get the mini woodworking set from Tesco.
Also, please be mindful of the middle step on your way up to our living room. It creaks. We don’t want to wake Casey up. Plus, even though I like you and think very highly of you, I think I’d be mighty frightened to find a two-legged rabbit walking around my house in the middle of the night.
Thank you ever so kindly for everything,
Have you ever thought about what an Easter card would look like if it was written by a one-year-old child experiencing Easter for the very first time?
It is a very strange time of the year. There are so many people here. And everyone is loud and they laugh and drink and talk to me in funny voices. As far as I can remember, I’ve already been through one of these gatherings when it was cold and snowing outside. I didn’t love it then, either. A fat man with a white beard brought us presents. That part was nice.
My parents told me it’ll be the rabbit who’ll be bringing us presents this time around. I don’t deem that very likely, since, you know, rabbits are rabbits. But I hope it’s true.
I hope he is strong enough to carry my present. Would you like to know what I wished for? A new set of diapers. The ones I have are very itchy and make my bottom sweat. Then mum has to put talcum powder on it, and frankly, it’s getting to be a little bit embarrassing.
And that’s it. Writing this letter has tired me out. I think it’s time for my nap again. Can’t wait for my nap. Naps are my favorite time of d–.
How about a bit of rubbing it in the faces of your friends who don’t celebrate Easter?
This letter is not written to address the question of why you don’t celebrate Easter. It is your choice, your preference, and I fully respect it. But you are missing on so much… You are missing on all the love, the piece of mind, the celebration of our Lord’s resurr—
Actually, it’s not about any of that.
See the photo enclosed. Know what those are? Eggs and ham. Mind you, you and everyone else can eat eggs and ham any day of the year, right? Wrong.
They never taste as good as they do at Easter. Just ask anyone. I hope you’re having a great day of eating your usual breakfasts of oat and wheat and grass, or whatever it is that you eat. Not celebrating Easter because you’re not Catholic or because it’s simply never been a tradition in your family are both valid reasons. I am just sending you this card and this photo to remind you of what you’re missing. It is my duty as your best friend to make social situations awkward for you, relaxing times soaked in alcohol, and to make fun of you as often as I can.
Wouldn’t you rather see one of these in your card than the mindless, endless regurgitation of variations of the “Happy holidays” mantra?
Don’t worry, both are equally good and equally appreciated – but try mixing it up this year – we guarantee your card recipients are going to love it.
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