Weddings are a beautiful way for couples to announce their love to the word, as well as get a small head start in their life as a newly formed duo, from a financial point of view. You decided to get married. The wedding gown and the suit are ready, the guest-list is done, the hall, the band, the photographer, the lights people – everything is ready for the big day.
You wanted to get married at the City Hall, your significant other wanted the church. Therefore, you gave them the church, but in turn, you got to boot their evil cousin Sandy from the guest-list. Win-Win.
You’re standing in front of the church, nervous and fidgety, waiting for the priest to either call you in or walk you in, depending on the local customs. There are over a hundred people sitting in the church, anxiously waiting for you to appear; and they are all overjoyed, ecstatic and overcome with love.
<beep>
Wrong!
Here is the list of what twelve different people sitting in the pews are thinking about, watching you enter the Church.
The bride’s mother
“Just look at them. My dear, beautiful daughter, you take after your mother so much!
Soon she will be a married woman, my little angel. And him. I like him. He could have worn a red tie with the grey shirt, though. I tried to tell him.
I wish he were a little taller too; it couldn’t hurt him to be at least two inches taller than my daughter in heels, right? And he could have gotten that PhD by now, with the child coming soon and everything. I am not a bad person for thinking this, am I? No, I’m not, I am just looking after my daughter.
He is a good husband and will most probably be a great father, but… I mean, look at his family.
What is that shrewd of his mother wearing? She could have worn a tracksuit while she is at it. Imagine coming to your only son’s wedding dressed in a creased dress with a stain.
Is that a stain? It must be, surely.”
The groom’s mother
“Why is she looking at me all the time? She should be so lucky – my son could have done so much better.
He is getting his doctorate and all, while she could never get past her Master’s degree. And in British literature, of all things. What can you do with literature? Literature never built bridges, saved lives, or sent the man to the Moon. She is gaining weight too.
I cannot tell if that’s the baby or all the sweets they so compulsively eat as a family. I am getting hot, why don’t they open the doors or a window? They could crack a window for sure. The hem of my dress is biting into my leg and I can’t bend down now to pluck it out.
This is a disaster. And my husband is totally oblivious to it all, what an ass.”
The little cousin
“Why do people do this? I see no point in wearing uncomfortable clothes and just sitting here in these hard seats, listening to some man talking about love.
Could I leave without anyone noticing? I can’t, my mum is right there. Why is she crying? Is it because of all the love talk from the vicar? I sense my parents might be heading for a divorce, but I’m only seven years old, and I don’t really sense that, I just heard uncle Liam say it over dinner once.
Who built this church? This is all very tall, people probably had to climb up to lay the bricks and the stone?
But who carried the stone up there? It’s all very fascinating.
I have to pee, now.”
Ex-boyfriend
“I am so glad she invited me to this. It is great to see that we put all our differences past us, and that we can be act as civilized adults around each other.
I’ve matured.
But I couldn’t say the same about that poor sod, about to marry the crazy old banshee. He is only getting his doctorate now, at 36. Wow, what a loser. I got mine when I was 30, and my father only paid for 80% of it. The rest came out of my pocket. 6 years ahead, I know, that’s from all the experience I have working at my father’s bank. Poor chap.
I don’t see how she is ever going to love him. I don’t really think she loves him now. She could have been with me if she played her cards right. Granted, she did dump me, but that was all before I got my doctorate – I’m a different man now. What a lousy affair, you can see that they spend the least they could. The flowers are absolutely mediocre!”
Brother of the bride
“I’m telling ya, oi, if he ever lays a hand on her. I’m going to–I’m gonna, I’ll murder him, I swear to God. Oh, sorry.
He won’t be able to escape, I have eyes and ears everywhere. I’ll get him. If he lays a hand on her, I swear… So glad I found that online card and flower service yesterday, otherwise I’d have come empty-handed. It’s so hot here.
Would they mind if I went home before the cake, I feel like it’s going to be incredibly boring. “Your sister is getting married once, you troglodyte,” my mother told me. Well, guess what, mum – this is her second marriage.
Can I step out for a fag?”
Sister of the groom
“She looks just like our mother. She is a much nicer person, though. I’m glad my brother found someone that gentle and kind.
It would be even better if she could find a real job with that words and letters degree of hers. I hope she doesn’t start mooching off my brother, he’s had girlfriends like that before. What… Is she gaining weight?”
Family friend and upstairs neighbour of the happy couple
“I hope they realize they need more space and move sometime in the near future. I shan’t stand that baby’s wail, the walls are ever so thin.”
Bride’s grandmother
“Naked shoulders? In church, of all places? In my day, you’da been ostracized for that.
I am tired, did they really have to drag me all the way here? 91 years old, cheeky buggers for dragging me all the way here.
I really didn’t want to be dragged so far. Dragging me like this. I worked as a respected professor of mathematics for almost 40 years, and this is how they treat me? Drag me all the way here and then park my wheelchair where I cannot see my beautiful granddaughter.
Wait, I my spectacles fell off, hang on. I can see her now. Naked shoulders? In church…”
Bride’s father’s second cousin
“I don’t even know why I’m here. Her side of the family hates me. Plus, I just stuffed £300 that I’m never going to see again into that envelope.
I’m not made of money, you know. They didn’t even offer to pay for my transportation all the way up here. They did pay for the hotel, I’ll give them that, but a 4* hotel for a family member? That is just not right. Us Southerners are much more polite than these bloody Northerners.
That young chap she’s marrying looks like a stand-up lad. No wonder they don’t like him. I have seen that shrew of my cousin’s wife giving him the death-stare.
They could have splurged for a 5* hotel, it is a special occasion after all.
I am family.”
Your husband
“Am I really doing this? I love her, but does it mean that I am going to be with just one woman for the rest of my days on Earth? I realized that before, but it was never as clear to me as it is right now.
Bah, I will just go through with it. I just hope she doesn’t take me to any more literature readings and musings over the life of Baudelaire, and Sartre, and Dostoyevsky, and Tolstoy.
Can I take 50 more years of that? I am feeling woozy, I wonder if I could sit down in the middle of the ceremony?
Would it cause a great commotion? I do love my future wife, though, with all my heart.”
Your wife
“I told him to pick out the burgundy tie. It is not red, I says to him, it’s burgundy! He said he didn’t care.
Well here you have it, future husband, now you look cheap on the most important night of your life. Is it the most important night of his life?
Maybe he doesn’t even love me? Is he cheating on me? He wouldn’t go through all this trouble if he were cheating on me, would he?
He is a good man, and he will be a great father to our children. I can’t wait to spend many more beautiful nights at poetry readings with him.
It is our favourite activity together. Does he even love me? He does. He does.”
Random churchgoer
“Wait, is this the right wedding?”
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